Depression and Living without Medication and taking the chance to be truly honest.

Living this illness of depression and anxiety IS NOT EASY, LET ME TELL YOU THAT FOR STARTERS….

I put on the mask of a brave face, tell those close to me I’m coping when I inside a voice screams back ‘no your not, stop lying’.

I do it because I don’t want to feel defeated, again, like I did before when I had the nervous/emotional breakdown. I do it because in a way it does help me stay strong, but in another way – a NOT GOOD way, it’s hiding from the truth, letting it simmer to boil and eventually I know I will explode.

Not many can see through the mask I wear, at times my partner Mr M can, other times I’m hiding it so well even he can’t tell…

Recently I wrote a blog about not having negativity in my life, ( No one needs negativity ) and though I do find it easy to not be negative, also turn a negative into a positive, I’m still prepared to admit sometimes those down and desperate feelings leave me powerless to control. I sit wondering why I feel the way I do not finding answers and therefore letting myself be carried away with how I feel.

There is only one thing that will pull me out of it all in an instant and that’s my daughter MissK, all she has to do is smile, giggle innocently or even be able to tell I’m not myself, give me a hug and a kiss and let me feel her love.

What pulls you out of those feelings you don’t want to be having, but are indeed having???

Being pregnant (13weeks as I type this) doesn’t make it ALL any easier, hormones are raging and I have fund moods harder to get a grasp on. I was on medication and made the decision about 8 months ago now, that I didn’t want to be anymore, I finally felt like I could do/face it all without it. I do not regret my decision at all but at times I do have to be honest enough with myself to admit it certainly was easier, BUT I mist also try more to tell myself I can do it without medication and trust in that!

Whilst writing this blog I have been listening to piano and violin music, oh how it takes me away from all that I’m feeling, uplifts me and brings me back to planet earth feeling at peace J

I say to myself right now and to all those reading, Tomorrow is another day, a new day with new adventures EMBRACE and SMILE, and I will do my to as-well.

~An inspiring bloggers BLOG I read today ~ My Mummy Daze 

and

a most entertaining and honest blogger who loves wine as much as me and is drinking for me as well right now because I can't and well of course because I care to much to get this baby drunk LOL ~ Parental Parody

Irritated, opinionated and sharing with you all...

I am little miss opinionated right now....

and though I hope no one takes any offence it won't stop me from getting this all out

After seeing a Members Question, or rather vent on a parenting page. The flood gates of thoughts have been opened as wide as they possibly could be.

This is what was posted~~

My friend is 13weeks and it’s her first and is already complaining all over Facebook and to me that she already over her pregnancy and can’t wait for it to be over. I never been so angry till today. I said to her geez most people can’t even have what u got by carrying a child how can u be over it just starting. I had my daughter at 25weeks and I was a mess that I couldn’t reach 40weeks ladies that complain that there in pain annoy the crap out of me... Imagine what a premmie going through and the mother argh

~~

It opened the floods gate on both sides of the argument for me.

As with my first pregnancy with MissK and some of you might know already from my previous blogs, I suffered terribly with vomiting day in day out, having to be hospitalized to my memory 7 times to have them stop the vomiting for me and re-hydrate me.

It was an awfully scary time being I was only 50 kilos, I constantly feared losing weight that I could not afford to lose, I was frightened to the highest degree that because of all the vomiting my baby inside me wasn't getting enough of anything from me. My body was always sore and exhausted from the vomiting let alone the pregnancy and what that can do alone to one’s body!

Probably the biggest one,  it caused depression in me, I found I was crying a lot of the time and the rest of the time I was angry this was happening to me, I question constantly why me, I've seen others barely suffer at all and I would silently ask god, why am I suffering so much?

I like this lady the poster is venting over, complained a lot because it was something that helped and I truly believe if I hadn't I would have become more depressed keeping it inside.

Now on the other side of the argument

Yes I complain less this time around, because of having MissK premature at 32weeks, I do this time around appreciate it more, and pray with all my might every night before I go to sleep (and I am not even a religious person) that I can carry this baby to full term and that it won't be born premature.

BUT and it's a big but

I'M ONLY HUMAN

and pregnancy and all it contains is not all a joy, though I feel very fortunate I am not vomiting all day every day, I am experiencing other things that YES I have complained about, things I never experienced with the first pregnancy, things that frighten me at times and leave me wanting to have a bit of a whinge, cause guess what IT'S BETTER THEN KEPPING TI ALL LOCK AWAY INSIDE.

I learnt from having the mental/emotional breakdown, that keeping anything that makes you feel un-happy inside only gets worse if you don't let it out, it builds and builds until you finally crack and end up having 'a rest' in a mental ward of a hospital being even more frightened then you were in the first place!

So if having a little bit of a whinge = keeping myself sane, then I'm bloody well going to do it

When it comes to facebook, I have said and would always say, "don't like it, and then feel free to delete me as a friend, and don’t attack me for being human (not perfect)

Now the other thing to dwell on here that is very important is, some peoples opinion of women complaining when pregnant means they don't appreciate being able to bear a child...NOT TRUE... even in all my whinging with MissK YES I still appreciated being able to be pregnant and I did feel regret for those of us women who sadly cannot have children, but that fact alone will never change that a pregnancy is not all fun and games.

Another woman replied 'come on what woman hasn't complained a few times throughout their pregnancy' I sat back and thought right on sister!

I bet the women having the vent in the first place couldn't sit there and reply that she never once complained throughout her own pregnancy.  would know that's a lie in a heartbeat cause every single women/friend I have had in my life who's been pregnant has complained at one time or another.

So in finalizing It is ok to have a whinge and it does not mean you do not appreciate being able to be pregnant!

You might consider this my vent LOL, and if someone gets offended by it, I apologize now, but I do not apologize for having the mind I have and the right to be able to share my thoughts.

:)

No one needs Negativity

I have been experiencing a lot of negativity in my life in recent times, even though being pregnant and yes very happy about that ;)

I woke up the other morning and something just clicked in my mind, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I'm done with it, and finally have a feeling washing over me, that I can and will put it all behind me and be the positive, happy, bubbly person I know that I am.

Now, I am not smacking myself for having felt the way I have because we all have darker difficult times, but it's having the power to get through it but also get over it and start changing your thinking, that is the most important thing!

I simply needed to discover all on my own that I have so much to be happy for.

Though MissK is a terror at times, the love she gives me, the innocent moments and memories outweigh those annoying times.

I have been listening a lot to the album by Susan Boyle, The Gift.

One particular song resounds in me so strong, origanally a hymn, Make me a channel of your  peace.  It does have quite a religious feel which isn't me (ashamed to admit), so when I am singing it/feeling it, more or less I am singing it to myself as a reminder more than, to a higher power. I say go with what works and don't force something you can't make happen ;)

this particular set of lyrics is something I dwell on, in a very positive way is~

~Make me a channel of your peace (I change it to of my peace)

Where there is dispair in life let me bring hope

Where there is darkness, only light

And where there's sadness, ever joy.~

Uplifting!! and reminds me of much I need to be reminded of.

I spoke up, instead of being quiet and I told Mr M about how I was beginning to recognaize all these symptons of depression and anxiety coming back to haunt me. I expressed how much I don’t want to have to go back on medication and be able to do this myself but with a bit of help from him. I trust he has heard me because well when it comes to finally breaking down and trying to get it all out through sobbing he seems REALLY listen to me. Though I hate that it gets to that point at times, I can appreciate him finally HEARING me.

So in finishing I remind each and evryone of you, do those things that make you feel good, Do not feel bad about taking even just a little bit of time for yourself and always do your best to turn a frown into a smile J

A blog from the mind of a pregnant women

(this will contain a lot of 'to much information' so if easily grossed out maybe don't read on lol)

~Ok firstly , can someone please just cut my boobs off me (kidding of course cause I do want to be able to breast feed)

But the whining side of me wants them gone, they won't stop feeling slightly achy, and that desire to want to itch them is ever so present. All I feel all day everyday is I don't want this top/bra on them it makes it 100 times worse, I'd even go as far as to say a 1000 times worse LOL.

Only thing that helps is to get the icepack into the freezer get it nice and cool and smack it on the boobies and sigh with massive relief.

~Morning sickness has been treating me pretty well and I am surprised after suffering day in day out for the whole 7 months MissK was in me. I was, after that experience tending to think it's going to be just as bad this time around, but I've been pleasantly surprised, with barely having any at all, "Thank god" I say out loud as I am typing this.

~For this pregnancy and something I DID NOT have with MissK is awful tummy aches and a lot of reactions to foods,  I am still trying to figure exactly what they are/were...So far my list consists of *anything really rich in flavour and red wine sauces, which is such a bugger cause a decent red wine sauce is an all time favourite of mine.

~Bloated, bloated and more bloated, a few have asked me if I have a baby bump forming already, my reply "nope I wish, I'm just bloated 24/7 and even more so after eating. Such an uncomfortable feeling especially when it comes to wanting to get comfy in bed at night but can't...I feel pissy about it to be honest because normally the can't get comfortable comes when the belly is bigger but it's already ever present with me just from being bloated.

I am for a number of reasons and will divulge on them all, starting to think I have more then one baby in here..

- the biggest reason being my sister and I are identical twins (6 minutes apart) her second pregnancy (and no not IVF as some might like to think) was identical twin girls, which is quite a rare occurrence... Now you have me second pregnancy and wondering...

- I have the most and I do mean THE MOST, insatiable hunger something I do not remember having with MissK at all. I eat and ten minutes later I feel hungry again, I simply can't get enough.

-last but not least my body.stomach I feel is already showing something, only 8 weeks.. you couldn't see a thing on me with MissK till like 16 weeks, which surprised a lot of people because I am a very skinny girl, so most including me assumed I may see something a bit earlier but no.

This time around i am noticing so much more when I look down or admire my naked self in the mirror ;)

YES, i am probably just reading into it all to much and do think this myself.. but these facts stacking up upon one another just have me really questioning....

So doc's appointment the other day -

Hormone results aren't giving anything away but the doctor mentioned, so early on they might not, Thanks for helping Doc ;)

Respectfully, after I told him about my sister and I and her twin pregnancy, he didn't hesitate to organise a referral for a scan.

***Adding into the blog, after having had the scan...***

ONE BABY, only one baby is in there YAY bigtime ;)

Many might not be able to understand why I feel this way so I shall explain, it is because of my previous history with lets simply call it mental illness instead of listing all the names of things I have suffered from and still do at times.

I know deep in my heart and in my gut, that I would not survive being a parent to 2 babies at one time. So have spent all that time up until the scan freaking out quite a bit, yes probably un-necessary but it is within me to over worry and obsess and I did. So to see one baby and to have the lady say it out-loud was the most reassuring thing I could have heard :)

Mr M was also relieved because I'm sure he had flashbacks to MissK's birth and all that he had to give up in his life to be at home taking care of a premature newborn and a total mental case of a partner :/

I honestly cannot blame him for his relief as I now can look back and say he really did go through so much. He changed a lot within his life to be there for both his daughter and me and I will always have the upmost respect and love for that.

Anyway slightly going off track here, lets get back to 'peanut' as I have named the precious bubba growing inside me.

Peanut has a beautifully strong heartbeat, is 2cm in length and looks like an alien at this stage LOL, everything is normal :)

I await the precious moments like feeling flutters and kicks and the biggest one, finding out the sex of this precious growing baby, with some patience yet some impatience as well (because it's in my nature to be impatient lol)

I thank you all for letting me have my whinge ;) and I will try to keep future whining to a minimum but I'm not making any promises!

BAD PARENTING 101.....

I have something to admit, and ask that you think before you judge me, please.
Though I have taken care of myself in some areas, lately there are parts of me, I'm neglecting; feeling frequent uncontrolable waves of emotion and I am simple ignoring it. Last thing I should do is ignore it!

I had a wake up call...and I find myself feeling very ashamed,
I fell asleep on my 2 1/2 yr old preiocus MissK. Let me explain more -
After taking for a breif trip to the pool (weather change and I had to deal with her tantrum of not wanting to get out) We arrived back home and I setup ABC2 and a snack for her whilst I ducked away to steal a quick shower. I felt a bit off colour following, and laid down on the bed..Thats the last thing I remembered..Until waking an hour and a half later MissK sitting so quietly on the couch being the perfect child I wish she would be 24/7 (well one can dream, can't they)

~~~I call my bad parenting - bad parenting 101, almost like i could give classes on bad parenting and how not to, becuase of the experiences I have been through as a mother where I have gone wrong and what I have learnt from my mistakes, if i slip up I normally come out with 'oh gees bad parenting 101'. Probably because at the sametime of admitting it i can also within saying that enable myself to laugh a little brush it off and put it down to 'bad parenting 101' and walk away better for it.

Not today... The only place I went to, was to burst into tears. No matter how hard I tried to stop it and smile I couldn't, the guilt took over. Now before you go jumping to conclusions MissK was perfectly safe but that doesn't change how much in mind how un-exceptable it is for that to have happened. To have looked over at her only made me cry more saying over and over I'm so sorry I fell asleep on you, my sweet girl showed such love in her reply to me as she said "Mummy was tired,asleep". Though I should have taken that and begun to feel better I could not!
I knew I couldn't call MrM (at work) so I texted one of my very close friends and one that knows every one of my true colours, and as she always does, she came through for me. Calling me back in an instant knowing I was crying her first words to me 'you are not a bad mother'. She let me cry for the breifest moment before doing what she knew needed to be done, to snap me out of it and to talk me through the fact that I am not a bad mother, but rather that I have been neglecting important areas like REST.
Before I knew it she had me laughing and forgetting about it all, I smiled on my end of the phone feeling so blessed I have her in my life.

But for the life of me I know one thing, I will try my absolute hardest to never let it happen again, and am starting to realise it needs to come back to me caring about me before anyone else, as I did let it slip to putting me last and it has resulted in well, everything I don't like...

I am sure future blogs will contain more on my bad parenting 101, cause guess what no ones perfect, including me ;)
So when you find yourself feeling burdened by how bad you feel just remind yourself I'm only human and tomorrow will be a better day!
:D

Till next time ~ Mumma Of MissK and the one who truly reveals those cracks in her pavement...

IPHONES, TECHNOLOGY AND MORE…

Who has one?

 who wants one?  Who would never ever by into the world of an IPhone? haha!

I always, on the surface white lied and said I didn’t care to much about the kind of phone I had, but secretly was jealous of those with these top of the range phones.

I recall not too long before I did indeed end up with an IPhone in hand and for the most part loving it to, I needed a new phone out with Mr M and one cranky MissK I felt pressured to make a prompt decision so we could make a speedy exit with this screaming child getting louder by the minute…

Thank god for the internet and the fact that I had done a little research and it was down to a couple of choices and would depend on what was in stock. I can’t recall the exact mobile now but it had a QWERTY keyboard, I hadn’t own a phone yet, with one even though they had been around for quite a while lol.

In an instance I became slightly more addicted to texting because it was so much easier ;) Where Mr M would nearly throw it at wall cursing its tiny-arse keys, I loved that (has very tiny hands lol/skinny and long).

I had fun this phone for only a short while before the IPhone would come into my life, and I would love it and hate it and still do.

Many a time I upgraded via my sister upgrading and I would get old phone/buy it off her etc., she had the Iphone3 and what do you know a phone call one day asking me if I wanted her IPhone.

** Little note to add in here **

Mr M hates technology, and feels he is cursed, he has had mobile phones mysteriously disappear on him twice (no he wasn’t intoxicated at the time, lol) Mp3 are the worst, oh dear they die, he got an IPod from a friend who mentioned it is un-used but an old model he brought it home for me to get started on the computer but it would not do a thing…Another disappeared into thin air. He is a bit of man who couldn’t care when it comes to mobile phones I quote “I don’t care about the camera or the list of app’s you can get, I want to receive and makes calls & text, that’s it”!

I one the other hand am a lover of technology. Now in saying that I am not a fashion trend whore (as I call it, sorry lol)

Technology fascinates me doesn’t mean I understand it all! Confronted all the time with technological walls rising up in front of me and I cannot bash my way through figure it out for the life of me, I have from day one of my blessed/much hated IPhone admitted freely “I can understand why people are saying they need lesson on how to use an IPhone I do too”!!!...

As a mother to a 2 ½ yr. old, a partner and a housewife, I simply didn’t have the time for it to seem so complicated and yes I do laugh out loud at that now ;)

I look back thinking it really isn’t that confusing –

Reasons being

-         I am lazy about reading manuals, oh dear and so attempted to battle the phone without any help when that was the complete opposite to what I should have done.

-         The phone I went from to the IPhone, YES two whole different worlds completely and I had only just gotten used to that one and it all’s cracks and corners.

-         Never having owned and IPOD, so hadn’t used the  iTunes program I also had that learning curve

-         Lastly OK, yes I was being a drama queen, as much as I was so so so IN LOVE ;) the confusion took over for a few moments there.  But it didn’t take long I had handle on it all ;) and now I’m addicted, converted and very much so probably in need of IPhone AA LOL.

Bam what do you know, as I had started out this blog’s journey the flood of Facebook gossip, debating and more, on the new IPhone 4s. For me honestly I’m not interested I am happy enough with mine and the capability to be able to update/upgrade it :D

 

:(Sadly my last note and I truly wish I didn’t have to write such sad news, today before coming to finish off this blog and get it up I was confronted with the news of Mr Apple himself, Mr Steve Jobs, passing L L I have a massive amount of respect for him for everything he gave this world of ours and the dreams he has given others a chance to dream through technologies eyes. For that he suffered illness I do visit upon the thought as I did have with my mother, sometimes it is nice that someone isn’t suffering anymore.

To love and to be loved

Today is a celebration, mine and MrM’s 7year anniversary :D

I look over at him and smile true love and happiness remembering all the good times we’ve been through, even the bad times because within them I’m shown how true to me he has always been.  By sticking by me, supporting me and helping build me back up into a better happier person.

No one has ever known me like MrM has, for a long time there not even my twin sister and that’s the reason why, to do this day I do truly feel MrM is the missing link in my chain, the reason why I wasn’t feeling whole and only he truly helped me to feel it again by seeing the worst in me yet it had him wanting to love me even more.

My heart sings looking at MissK, our creation of such love and our precious daughter and sings even louder at the thought of our family growing and being even more perfect then it already is. I love to remind myself that these things I am feeling are the best things to feel and to always bring myself back to it when I feel sad or anxious :D

So tonight MrM’s sister is going to babysit for a little while so we can go out and have a dinner to ourselves ;), we went away about 2months ago for a weekend so I’m content with just being able to have him alone to myself even if only for a short while :D

A beautiful day here with the sun shining and the winds finally calmed down after a few days of it whipping around like mad lol, I think a walk over to the beach with MissK is in store, as on this special day as much as it is about MrM and I, it’s also about our other biggest love, our child and enjoying her love, smiles and pure innocence :D