Darkest hours

To start this in the right place, that’s the tough one… Easiest to answer the question, where do I think it all came from? Living with depression – anxiety & major panic attacks and a reality of locking myself away from the world. I always believed and at a later time had it confirmed that my mother’s death, was truly that life altering in a bad way.

Being only seventeen I already had to grow up so much in the past, with her leaving my sister and I, choosing not to be a mother and selfishly having no part in our life. I did not know her, until the age of eleven I didn’t have someone I called mum. I will always remember that fateful day, receiving her letter in the mail running my fingers over her words whilst smiling through my confusion. My heart sang and all I wanted was to meet her, to embrace her and to finally stop having that dream… Being lost in a supermarket as a young girl, screaming for my Dad and sister, a lady comes up to me and asks my name, as I tell her tears well up in her eyes and she says “I’m your mum”… Love came instantly forgiveness took well, only a short amount of time because I was just so happy to have a mum, my mum.

If only I’d known the road ahead but that’s not how it’s mapped out for one. Oh the amount of ‘if only’ I have played over in mind. Lying to the world and saying I have no regrets after she was gone. Six short years was the time god permitted us to have together before he took her, some may say he helped stopped her suffering and a part of me does indeed believe that to, but there will always be another part of me still refusing to let go of that angry feeling ‘ why couldn’t you have given me more time, more love, laughs cuddles and hearing her voice. Why, some of you may ask, because as much as I believe you can find a soul mate in a man, you can find a soul mate in another person, whether it be a friend, a cousin, a man or your mum. My Mum was my soul mate because 1- when I met her that missing piece to the puzzle was finally in place 2- I was the black sheep of the family and to some degree the bad egg lol, but my mum accepted me 100% for me, when everyone was trying to change me and couldn’t accept me, she did. I grew up being with-held and shy, she allowed and helped me to finally shine. For those reasons and just how close I felt to her, I always did and still do feel she was my soul mate.

I don’t want to side track from the biggest point to my blog, my experiences with depression etc etc, but I do need to reminisce on all that contributed to it and how. My mother was not well, suffering from Chrons disease, diagnosed at nineteen. It was the reason she couldn’t be a mother to my twin sister and I, move forward to when I did know her and many years of medications and illness she also had osteoporosis and diagnosed schizophrenia as well. My father had told me she suffered from depression when I was younger and had tried his best to explain she wasn’t coping a mother, so it sparks in my mind something similar to myself and my experience, that I have managed to form the opinion that at times within my life it was I suppose in remission, yet and your soon to find out, there were times ‘IT’ was in the darkness form it could be. So my mother’s death was this life altering thing that was the trigger to really starting this road I would travel upon, where one corner had depression, another had anxiety and also the highway of panic.
But if I was to be completely honest here, and well I’m going to be I would tell you something else became a part of my life that I am ashamed of, that took over and ruled me and my illness in the end too.

Marijuana…

You see drifting through life after my mum died feeling lost, being young and having to deal with that made me very naive to other things in my life example; the relationship I was in at the time. The hurt and lesson I would later learn from it and the continuously growing depression within me, I know realise something was bound to have become my escape. It was a social thing, making me happy, giving me confidence for once in my life I was a part of the group instead of hanging back and it felt good, for a little while…

Then came the addiction, whilst I didn’t even realise it was feeding an under lying mental illness, chemical in balance madness and as I look back now I don’t quite know how I lasted as long as I did before eventually having a major emotional and nervous breakdown. Which, we’ll will visit upon more in another blog.

Sheesh admit-tingly some of this is really hard to write, to share but I have come to a point in my life where I feel nothing more than the importance to share. I don’t believe I’ll be a hero in saving someone else or anything like that, but I do know there are others like me out there, and like me you to, have probably suffered in silence for a lot of it. Mental illness and what it truly is, what it really can involve for a person is not recognised enough in our country, I see so much talk of depression on ad’s/campaigns etc, and can’t help but think to myself where’s the mention to anxiety/panic attacks, being so riddled with it one cannot function day to day, look after themselves, their family…
I’ll leave it here for now, with my next edition to come real soon, as I have a lot of stuff already typed just been sitting there for a while so I need to go over it refresh it and give it all those words, for what it’s worth :D I will write about some of the highs, some of the lows and give you more a picture into my life and story… because as a parent to MissK