She was about 4 months old not corrected when major dental issues that had been there through-out the pregnancy but I was unable to get fixed due to the amount of work needed, flared out quite bad. I had to have a major dose of antibiotics to kill the raging infection before they would start dismantling the nightmare. With my anxiety, well even without it truthfully I have a terrible fear of dentists, which stems from a HORRIFIC fear of PAIN. All my life I have been one to say ‘I have no pain threshold’
Now after giving birth (and mind you with no pain relief other than a little gas) I can proudly say the size of that fear has shrunk quite considerably.
Anyway I had a wisdom tooth growing the wrong way, so basically growing in from the side and sideways, not your normal up and down, which caused damaged to the molar next to it, that lead to it being completely rotten and unfixable & also other side of my mouth top side molar needing extracting… To this day I still think 100% they should not have pulled all 3 at once, what it did to my body and how I paid in the end for them pulling all three at once Arghhh so not fair!!
So imagine I’m eating whatever I can through straws most of the time and some mash potato, but because of both sides having holes etc I couldn’t simply chew on the other side. Why this is all so concerning I should probably tell you is I’M SKINNY, and sadly not just skinny I am and have been for many years now always teetering on underweight. This is not by choice, so please don’t think its anorexia or something. I was skinny before being pregnant but not sickly skinny, the pregnancy, the vomiting day in, day out left me even skinnier then I was before and even when I got healthy and ate like a horse nothing would go back on me L So I am one of those stuck trying to put weight on and it won’t happen being looked down upon in public knowing people think that I probably do have anorexia or something like that.
So what I was going through with the dental was the last thing my body needed, it had barely had a breath to recover from the pregnancy. I was an awful amount of pain after the extractions, living on diet of nothing and painkillers and the bad one, which I now warn people to not take a lot of NUROFEN. Nurofen should actually be a prescribed medication, due to the damage ibuprofen can do to your liver and kidneys, I even had a doctor say that to me when I was in hospital.
I learnt the hard way after taking dose after doses for over a week of nurofen mixed with other types of pain killers, I woke to violent vomiting mixed with already being extremely dehydrated and terribly weak. MrM carted me off to hospital ringing my Nan to come help with MissK. They didn’t keep me waiting too long before I was being seen, poked and prodded, blood taken etc. They acted straight away on getting the vomiting to stop and getting fluids back in me, I was so weak I barely remember being there at that point. Test results came back with the most shocking news I had heard in my life other than, that they were going to bring MissK into the world 8 weeks early,
I had temporary kidney failure!!
My head started spinning I didn’t even hear the word temporary I just heard kidney failure anxiety took over and I started to think every bad thing I cold, -I’m going to have to have an operation –I’m going to be separated form MrM and MissK again, so soon –How will I recover from this…
MrM had to explain my anxious personality and they were ever so helpful with giving me peace of mind that it could be turned around with killer doses of antibiotics and close monitoring I would get better and my kidney would too. I spent a few nights in hospital, It was hard but that MrM bought MissK in every time he could and my nan came other times helped me get through, and the hospital food diet actually started to help pick up on how much I was eating each time I would eat, and started getting me back to eating more regularly after my mouth had healed more and I was able to J
Back home I did my best to settle back into the day to day routines of being a mum to MissK and a housewife. I took joy from being a mum and I was enjoying those small moments until MissK about 6 months old not corrected was ( and we had no idea what was wrong at the time) The Colic started, she had from day one been a chucky baby to a certain degree but after burps would be fine. She chucked even more when this started, she cried and cried and then cried more because I already had some level of depression there I should really have thought it might get worse, but I didn’t, It just did GET WORSE. I found myself crying with her so lost in not being able to help her, not being able to take it away, make her feel better, get her to stop crying. When MrM was home I was a mess so we weren’t really happy because I couldn’t give him happiness.
Day by day my moods got worse I started smoking again to find comfort in something…to have some form of escape I suppose, given how mentally unwell I already was this was the very last thing I should have been doing and it sent me spiralling out of control.
I could not trust myself with MissK anymore, I never hurt her, but I was always so afraid I actually might, and that I thought it scared me shitless! I was pulling away from her, MrM was by now basically taking fulltime care of her when he was at home, wearing himself out to all extremes trying to keep up with that and work, calling in sick some days simply because and I knew it he was too afraid to leave L
One day with moods going up and down so fast, I remember MrM and I getting in a bit of an argument I was angry at feeling like he wasn’t listening to me, I stormed into the bedroom slamming the door and ‘CRASH’ the most sacred ever picture of MrM’s dog T that had passed about a year previous from cancer fell down and smashed into pieces. At that point something really and truly snapped inside me I recall thinking at that same time, not being able to breath AT ALL, he is going to kill me, and please MrM is not a violent man, he has never hit once in our near 7 years together and so against violence. But this picture with some of T’s hair behind the glass too was such a precious sentimental thing to him, for me to have caused to it break because I was stupidly being angry and slamming a door is EVEN I THINK SO, so so stupid of me.
With all this craziness going on with my emotions, my moods I was pulled straight panic mode, and I do mean MAJOR PAINC MODE. I think I screamed something at him about it happening, running out the front door in my pyjamas, though we did live in a quiet beach’y town of only 200 people we did still have neighbours around us. I walked the length of our long driveway trying to breathe a mass of irrational thoughts running through my head whilst putting my head down, trying to not let anyone see the state I was in. I had no idea where I was going, no shoe’s Pj’s and yet I wasn’t realising that at the time. I crossed the road and hid behind a big shrub so no one especially not MrM, could see me, I sat there rocking back and forth and having a panic attack.
Out of now-where I remember thinking this is crazy go home and started walking back towards the house, looking up I saw MrM was on the phone and I felt those angry feelings start coming back as I screamed at him with no regard for neighbours “who the hell are you on the phone to”, he put it down and said “your nan, I didn’t know what to do who to call”. I snatched it from him and went to hang up but this was my Nan, the lady who was basically more my mum growing up, so I stopped myself, remember giving MrM the foulest look and turned away. I was so angry and I was expressing this to my Nan but then snap boom, in an instant it changed again I stopped went silent lost my breath and then burst into tears, I couldn’t speak other than to get out “please come help me”.
I don’t really remember what I did for the 40minutes waiting for them to arrive other than probably lie in bed and cry. Sadly this was one time when even my Nans hug could not make me feel like everything would be alright and that always worked. I did my best to say goodbye to MissK and MrM it was hard at this stage I was overcome with guilt as well as everything else, I was letting them down again. I went to Nans house and though she probably had no idea what to do she got through to a psychologist that could see me for an emergency appointment the next morning. I couldn’t really hold a conversation with MrM but I did call and tell him I wanted him to be there as Nan had encouraged he would be able to help with how I had been lately.
I went to bed, staying there feeling empty and lost trying to sleep.
I was so afraid of facing the next day I knew something was wrong with me but I didn’t want to know, sign of anxiety started to present themselves the minute we were sitting there waiting to be seen. I will always remember how nice the lady/doctor was and how she made me feel so at ease to be able to talk about what had been going on with me. After explaining my life for the last year the pregnancy, the premature birth, the dental work and then temporary kidney failure, she smiled a caring smile and put her hand on top of mine and said “I think it’s perfectly understandable that you really need a good rest”. I burst into tears I cried relief that someone was finally giving me permission to stop, to be able to say it’s too hard; I can’t do this right now!!
She phoned the hospital explaining it was needed that someone see and access me there and that her biggest opinion was right now she hoped there was a bed for me and that I would be given a chance to get some rest and some help getting onto the right medications etc. I was at the hospital the same day with a bed freeing up, I still naturally felt quite numb and am not quite sure how I answered all the questions and more, I remember holding my nans hand and somehow doing it. I had heard all these horror stories about ‘the mental illness ward’ so walking through those doors was ever so frightening I changed my mind all I wanted to do was go home back to my bed and stay right there, but I couldn’t it was all slightly out of my hands now.
I didn’t want my Nan to leave me there and after she did I hid in my room and cried a river after a while and with a massive need to have a cigarette and wanting to know whether I could, I ventured out of my room finding out amazingly enough that this was the only ward on the hospital given permission to smoke, we allocated certain times when we could go out into a court yard and smoke to our hearts content and it wasn’t long before I could have one and then get the chance for someone to start talking to me. A precious soul of a girl did, and she started to help get me to feel like I wasn’t in such a bad place and to try and relax and just go with it all. She was a reader and I have always been an avid reader we formed a friendship over books, her laughing at my taste in Jackie Collins and me being amazed at the darkness of some of the murderous serial killer stories she had that I borrowed started reading and then knew why she loved them, brilliant deep descriptive yet confusing writing that drew the reader in. We both loved music and had many a conversation about this instrument and that song. She and a couple of others I would meet really helped fill in the time when my family wasn’t there, I never had much of a chance to feel alone and that did help the healing process J I would see a big head shrink from Sydney who flew up special once a week and other sessions and counsellors daily, they started me on high doses of Seroquel for the anxiety and panic etc and anti-depressants.
At the time there were time I was still fighting it all, but with the help became to realize just how bad it was at home, I was not taking care of myself, I wasn’t feeding regularly, showering daily, where I was pushing through and doing what needed to be done for MissK I wasn’t for myself. Being in the hospital and having them make you eat and shower and do some exercise was exactly what I needed, the help in getting back into living how I should.
I did not find it easy being put in the situation where I had to start talking about why I thought I felt this way, to even start answering that question was hard.
I had experienced sexual abuse between the ages of 9-11, from my Dads best mate. As much as I thought I had dealt with it, I had not and when finally getting the courage to tell my Dad at the age of 14 his only response was “oh well, he’s not a part of our lives anymore”. My world was shattered now, not because of the abuse but because no father should ever care that little and when I told MrM about this he wanted to cry saying “I would want to kill any bastard who did that to my daughter” something I think is any human/parents natural response to such a thing.
I had to really start talking about my mum, my precious soul mate, best friend, MY LIFE, I was almost tortured in having to visit all that again but with every word came the healing I had been fighting so long for.
Whilst in hospital as I mention in a previous blog I was to experience A REAL HARD CASE OF POST TRAUMATIC STRESS, After a few days in hospital I was encouraged to start taking some small trips out with MrM and MissK to see how I would cope they felt this was a vital move towards recovery and being able to go home after I explained how much I was not leaving the house and going on with normal life like we all have to. With a very understanding, loving and patient MrM it did go well until arriving back at the hospital out of now where as there had already been days and visits from them and I’d had to say goodbye etc. Oh but this time, I somehow could not handle the thought of it at all, So I snapped at MrM acted angry instead of telling him I really felt, I know now I did it all because I simply didn’t want to say goodbye to him or MissK again and walk away from them, so I didn’t I got out of the car in a huff storming off and as soon as I got past the main doors to the ward I started crying wanting to run to my room but not wanting anyone to notice something was wrong. I’m actually glad one of the nurses did and followed me cause if she hadn’t I may have ended up having a full blown panic attack instead of her helping get me breathing talking it through and getting calm again, showing me I had that power with in me it was just I had to work a bit harder at grabbing at it keeping it within my grasp and having that calm reaction/outcome that I needed and well, that was normal.
She was so helpful to explain that what I was experiencing was post-traumatic stress from having to leave MissK at the hospital and say goodbye over and over again. I did later call MrM explain and say sorry.
After 10 days they believed and after a trial run one night at home, I did as well, I WAS READY TO GO HOME, though I needed close monitoring with home visits from a mental health case worker from the hospital and appointments with a shrink and some arranged help with the housework things slowly got back on track. Unfortunately through it all MrM lost his job and we came to the realization that MissK and I needed him at home fulltime; I wasn’t going to be able to concentrate on getting better without this help. MissK was always on my mind, how much she needed her mummy back and I yearned to be able to take care of her again, do all those things I could once do, but I knew I had to be patient and sit back though hard I did.
With guidance I went on the disability pension and MrM was able to receive an income my/our carer.
Now the sunny side, that pot at the end of the rainbow.
A chance for me to tell you that was the worst AND YOU CAN COME BACK FROM THAT!!!
Please don’t be ignorant, anyone who’s been through something similar will tell you IT’S HARD WORK COMING BACK…
The road of recovery from having a complete emotional and nervous breakdown is a hard one to travel but if you stick at it, IF YOU WANT TO BETTER truly knowing within yourself that your mentally healthy and stable YOU CAN
Listen to those professionals around you, doctors and for me even the nurses when I was in the hospital, all the professional avenues offered to me then, upon leaving and afterwards, I took on board I opened myself up to. I learnt, fought with trying to make sure I would store it all away and be able to draw on it when needed, the medication was played with for ages there and finally I felt like I was on the right doses and well, able to function as a mother on it too as the amounts/strengths they had me on in hospital, I could not realistically function on.
With support from those around me and with finally being able to have the knowledge of what I was experience, to share that with my family those I shared my life with on a regular basis etc, I was able to start “””LIVING””” again J
It has been two years since that happened I am now a full time stay at home mother to my daughter MissK. Not that everyone can do this… But I do now live MEDICATION FREE … Don’t get me wrong being able to do it that way takes that little bit of extra work it probably wouldn’t if I just took them, but being bought up with an alternative medicinal lifestyle I knew it would always be the main goal to work towards. Not only to be mentally happy but to live without the medication, without the need.
Don’t get me wrong, there are still things I avoid in my life just so I don’t get anxious, just so I don’t have to fight the anxiety and stop it. I know I still have those things to battle to overcome and to be able TO DO. In future blogs I will open up more individually on Triggers, Fears, being irrational and rational and more.
95% of the time I can gain control of the anxiety or the panic and I can rationalize it. Breathe and stay calm. I work hard and constant at managing my stress and making sure I’m doing those things that relaxing and calming. If I didn’t I would go backwards because I have and I know that now. If I ever believed it I do even more so now KNOWLEDGE IS POWER…
I/we are now taking the journey of trying for another baby, YES I am a bit scared, not only of the whole premature angle but of course naturally being prone to all this mental instability, and will I go through this again?
My answer is NO because I am not afraid, because I have conquered so many fears and because I have the knowledge within me to now recognise what’s happening with/to me. I know and trust I will be able to see if something starts going wrong and I know I can and will speak up and ask for help, for I will never ever let it get that bad ever again.
I think it’s unfortunate sometimes we have to suffer so much to learn, to get back on the road of life but I don’t have the power to make it not happen, so I guess if it does remember two things
-Your only Human
And
- Do not cut of those close to you that love you, reach out, embrace and believe they want to listen and love you because they truly do
MrM MissK, Nan, Dad and frequent phone calls from my twin sister keep me going, holding onto that tiny little bit of hope I had left and their love helped it grow back to its full glory. I had spent years hiding this away from my family, ashamed and now I will never look back, I will always be OK with being able to talk to someone anyone, about how I’m feeling J
Next time … Friday the 16th sept 2011 I went to the Australian Dance festival, to watch Australia’s best dance crew competition and I am going to share some stuff on that. Some words on my love for dance and an insight to one of my FEARS … stay tuned
My peace and a calm soul be yours – http://www.blogdirectory.net
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