Though very excited at taking MissK
home, naturally it was transition and a whole different thing, going from having this tiny bubba in
hospital
to then having her at home and after having 6 weeks of these nurses,
talking to me and listening upon my concerns etc. To suddenly not have
that was a little bit of a shock and something to get used to. It was a
very tiring journey choosing to
breast feed,
once home the routine of her feeding every four hours was out the
window I ended up falling into a trap of pleasing her, never able to get
it out of my head that she was so small and deserved the world and over
again. With MrM working whacky time mostly shifts not getting him home
until after 11pm it became hard to rely on help from, like any new
mother I found myself sleeping when she did and I could. Unfortunately
breast feeding didn’t last as long as would have hoped, but to this day I
won’t allow myself to feel regret that I could not continue, as a
premmie baby she needed to be gaining more weight than she was and with
the change came the progress that was needed.
She was about 4 months old not corrected when major dental issues that had been there through-out the
pregnancy
but I was unable to get fixed due to the amount of work needed, flared
out quite bad. I had to have a major dose of antibiotics to kill the
raging infection before they would start dismantling the nightmare. With
my anxiety, well even without it truthfully I have a terrible
fear of dentists, which stems from a HORRIFIC fear of PAIN. All my life I have been one to say ‘I have no pain threshold’
Now after giving birth (and mind you with no pain relief other than a
little gas) I can proudly say the size of that fear has shrunk quite
considerably.
Anyway I had a wisdom tooth growing the wrong way, so basically
growing in from the side and sideways, not your normal up and down,
which caused damaged to the molar next to it, that lead to it being
completely rotten and unfixable & also other side of my mouth top
side molar needing extracting… To this day I still think 100% they
should not have pulled all 3 at once, what it did to my body and how I
paid in the end for them pulling all three at once Arghhh so not fair!!
So imagine I’m eating whatever I can through straws most of the time
and some mash potato, but because of both sides having holes etc I
couldn’t simply chew on the other side. Why this is all so concerning I
should probably tell you is I’M
SKINNY,
and sadly not just skinny I am and have been for many years now always
teetering on underweight. This is not by choice, so please don’t think
its anorexia or something. I was skinny before being pregnant but not
sickly skinny, the pregnancy, the vomiting day in, day out left me even
skinnier then I was before and even when I got healthy and ate like a
horse nothing would go back on me L So I am one of those stuck trying to
put weight on and it won’t happen being looked down upon in public
knowing people think that I probably do have anorexia or something like
that.
So what I was going through with the dental was the last thing my
body needed, it had barely had a breath to recover from the pregnancy. I
was an awful amount of pain after the extractions, living on diet of
nothing and painkillers and the bad one, which I now warn people to not
take a lot of
NUROFEN. Nurofen should actually be a prescribed medication, due to the damage ibuprofen can do to your liver and
kidneys, I even had a doctor say that to me when I was in hospital.
I learnt the hard way after taking dose after doses for over a week of nurofen mixed with other
types of pain
killers, I woke to violent vomiting mixed with already being extremely
dehydrated and terribly weak. MrM carted me off to hospital ringing my
Nan to come help with MissK. They didn’t keep me waiting too long before
I was being seen, poked and prodded, blood taken etc. They acted
straight away on getting the vomiting to stop and getting fluids back in
me, I was so weak I barely remember being there at that point. Test
results came back with the most shocking news I had heard in my life
other than, that they were going to bring MissK into the world 8 weeks
early,
I had temporary kidney failure!!
My head started spinning I didn’t even hear the word temporary I just
heard kidney failure anxiety took over and I started to think every bad
thing I cold, -I’m going to have to have an operation –I’m going to be
separated form MrM and MissK again, so soon –How will I recover from
this…
MrM had to explain my anxious personality and they were ever so
helpful with giving me peace of mind that it could be turned around with
killer doses of antibiotics and close monitoring I would get better and
my kidney would too. I spent a few nights in hospital, It was hard but
that MrM bought MissK in every time he could and my nan came other times
helped me get through, and the hospital food diet actually started to
help pick up on how much I was eating each time I would eat, and started
getting me back to eating more regularly after my mouth had healed more
and I was able to J
Back home I did my best to settle back into the
day to day
routines of being a mum to MissK and a housewife. I took joy from being
a mum and I was enjoying those small moments until MissK about 6 months
old not corrected was ( and we had no idea what was wrong at the time)
The Colic started, she had from day one been a chucky baby to a certain
degree but after burps would be fine. She chucked even more when this
started, she cried and cried and then cried more because I already had
some level of depression there I should really have thought it might get
worse, but I didn’t, It just did GET WORSE. I found myself crying with
her so lost in not being able to help her, not being able to take it
away, make her feel better, get her to stop crying. When MrM was home I
was a mess so we weren’t really happy because I couldn’t give him
happiness.
Day by day my moods got worse I started smoking again to find comfort
in something…to have some form of escape I suppose, given how mentally
unwell I already was this was the very last thing I should have been
doing and it sent me spiralling out of control.
I could not trust myself with MissK anymore, I never hurt her, but I
was always so afraid I actually might, and that I thought it scared me
shitless! I was pulling away from her, MrM was by now basically taking
fulltime care of her when he was at home, wearing himself out to all
extremes trying to keep up with that and work, calling in sick some days
simply because and I knew it he was too afraid to leave L
One day with moods going up and down so fast, I remember MrM and I
getting in a bit of an argument I was angry at feeling like he wasn’t
listening to me, I stormed into the bedroom slamming the door and
‘CRASH’ the most sacred ever picture of MrM’s dog T that had passed
about a year previous from cancer fell down and smashed into pieces. At
that point something really and truly snapped inside me I recall
thinking at that same time, not being able to breath AT ALL, he is going
to kill me, and please MrM is not a violent man, he has never hit once
in our near 7 years together and so against violence. But this picture
with some of T’s hair behind the glass too was such a precious
sentimental thing to him, for me to have caused to it break because I
was stupidly being angry and slamming a door is EVEN I THINK SO, so so
stupid of me.
With all this craziness going on with my emotions, my moods I was
pulled straight panic mode, and I do mean MAJOR PAINC MODE. I think I
screamed something at him about it happening, running out the front door
in my pyjamas, though we did live in a quiet beach’y town of only 200
people we did still have neighbours around us. I walked the length of
our long driveway trying to breathe a mass of irrational thoughts
running through my head whilst putting my head down, trying to not let
anyone see the state I was in. I had no idea where I was going, no
shoe’s Pj’s and yet I wasn’t realising that at the time. I crossed the
road and hid behind a big shrub so no one especially not MrM, could see
me, I sat there rocking back and forth and having a panic attack.
Out of now-where I remember thinking this is crazy go home and
started walking back towards the house, looking up I saw MrM was on the
phone and I felt those angry feelings start coming back as I screamed at
him with no regard for neighbours “who the hell are you on the phone
to”, he put it down and said “your nan, I didn’t know what to do who to
call”. I snatched it from him and went to hang up but this was my Nan,
the lady who was basically more my mum growing up, so I stopped myself,
remember giving MrM the foulest look and turned away. I was so angry and
I was expressing this to my Nan but then snap boom, in an instant it
changed again I stopped went silent lost my breath and then burst into
tears, I couldn’t speak other than to get out “please come help me”.
I don’t really remember what I did for the 40minutes waiting for them
to arrive other than probably lie in bed and cry. Sadly this was one
time when even my Nans hug could not make me feel like everything would
be alright and that always worked. I did my best to say goodbye to MissK
and MrM it was hard at this stage I was overcome with guilt as well as
everything else, I was letting them down again. I went to Nans house and
though she probably had no idea what to do she got through to a
psychologist that could see me for an emergency appointment the next
morning. I couldn’t really hold a conversation with MrM but I did call
and tell him I wanted him to be there as Nan had encouraged he would be
able to help with how I had been lately.
I went to bed, staying there feeling empty and lost trying to sleep.
I was so afraid of facing the next day I knew something was wrong
with me but I didn’t want to know, sign of anxiety started to present
themselves the minute we were sitting there waiting to be seen. I will
always remember how nice the lady/doctor was and how she made me feel so
at ease to be able to talk about what had been going on with me. After
explaining my life for the last year the pregnancy, the premature birth,
the dental work and then temporary kidney failure, she smiled a caring
smile and put her hand on top of mine and said “I think it’s perfectly
understandable that you really need a good rest”. I burst into tears I
cried relief that someone was finally giving me permission to stop, to
be able to say it’s too hard; I can’t do this right now!!
She phoned the hospital explaining it was needed that someone see and
access me there and that her biggest opinion was right now she hoped
there was a bed for me and that I would be given a chance to get some
rest and some help getting onto the right medications etc. I was at the
hospital the same day with a bed freeing up, I still naturally felt
quite numb and am not quite sure how I answered all the questions and
more, I remember holding my nans hand and somehow doing it. I had heard
all these horror stories about ‘the mental illness ward’ so walking
through those doors was ever so frightening I changed my mind all I
wanted to do was go home back to my bed and stay right there, but I
couldn’t it was all slightly out of my hands now.
I didn’t want my Nan to leave me there and after she did I hid in my
room and cried a river after a while and with a massive need to have a
cigarette and wanting to know whether I could, I ventured out of my room
finding out amazingly enough that this was the only ward on the
hospital given permission to smoke, we allocated certain times when we
could go out into a court yard and smoke to our hearts content and it
wasn’t long before I could have one and then get the chance for someone
to start talking to me. A precious soul of a girl did, and she started
to help get me to feel like I wasn’t in such a bad place and to try and
relax and just go with it all. She was a reader and I have always been
an avid reader we formed a friendship over books, her laughing at my
taste in Jackie Collins and me being amazed at the darkness of some of
the murderous serial killer stories she had that I borrowed started
reading and then knew why she loved them, brilliant deep descriptive yet
confusing writing that drew the reader in. We both loved music and had
many a conversation about this instrument and that song. She and a
couple of others I would meet really helped fill in the time when my
family wasn’t there, I never had much of a chance to feel alone and that
did help the healing process J I would see a big head shrink from
Sydney who flew up special once a week and other sessions and
counsellors daily, they started me on high doses of Seroquel for the
anxiety and panic etc and anti-depressants.
At the time there were time I was still fighting it all, but with the
help became to realize just how bad it was at home, I was not taking
care of myself, I wasn’t feeding regularly, showering daily, where I was
pushing through and doing what needed to be done for MissK I wasn’t for
myself. Being in the hospital and having them make you eat and shower
and do some exercise was exactly what I needed, the help in getting back
into living how I should.
I did not find it easy being put in the situation where I had to
start talking about why I thought I felt this way, to even start
answering that question was hard.
I had experienced sexual abuse between the ages of 9-11, from my Dads
best mate. As much as I thought I had dealt with it, I had not and when
finally getting the courage to tell my Dad at the age of 14 his only
response was “oh well, he’s not a part of our lives anymore”. My world
was shattered now, not because of the abuse but because no father should
ever care that little and
when I told MrM about this he wanted to cry saying “I would want to kill any bastard who did that to my daughter” something I think is any human/parents natural response to such a thing.
I had to really start talking about my mum, my precious soul mate,
best friend, MY LIFE, I was almost tortured in having to visit all that
again but with every word came the healing I had been fighting so long
for.
Whilst in hospital as I mention in a previous blog I was to
experience A REAL HARD CASE OF POST TRAUMATIC STRESS, After a few days
in hospital I was encouraged to start taking some small trips out with
MrM and MissK to see how I would cope they felt this was a vital move
towards recovery and being able to go home after I explained how much I
was not leaving the house and going on with normal life like we all have
to. With a very understanding, loving and patient MrM it did go well
until arriving back at the hospital out of now where as there had
already been days and visits from them and I’d had to say goodbye etc.
Oh but this time, I somehow could not handle the thought of it at all,
So I snapped at MrM acted angry instead of telling him I really felt, I
know now I did it all because I simply didn’t want to say goodbye to him
or MissK again and walk away from them, so I didn’t I got out of the
car in a huff storming off and as soon as I got past the main doors to
the ward I started crying wanting to run to my room but not wanting
anyone to notice something was wrong. I’m actually glad one of the
nurses did and followed me cause if she hadn’t I may have ended up
having a full blown panic attack instead of her helping get me breathing
talking it through and getting calm again, showing me I had that power
with in me it was just I had to work a bit harder at grabbing at it
keeping it within my grasp and having that calm reaction/outcome that I
needed and well, that was normal.
She was so helpful to explain that what I was experiencing was
post-traumatic stress from having to leave MissK at the hospital and say
goodbye over and over again. I did later call MrM explain and say
sorry.
After 10 days they believed and after a trial run one night at home, I
did as well, I WAS READY TO GO HOME, though I needed close monitoring
with home visits from a mental health case worker from the hospital and
appointments with a shrink and some arranged help with the housework
things slowly got back on track. Unfortunately through it all MrM lost
his job and we came to the realization that MissK and I needed him at
home fulltime; I wasn’t going to be able to concentrate on getting
better without this help. MissK was always on my mind, how much she
needed her mummy back and I yearned to be able to take care of her
again, do all those things I could once do, but I knew I had to be
patient and sit back though hard I did.
With guidance I went on the disability pension and MrM was able to receive an income my/our carer.
Now the sunny side, that pot at the end of the rainbow.
A chance for me to tell you that was the worst AND YOU CAN COME BACK FROM THAT!!!
Please don’t be ignorant, anyone who’s been through something similar will tell you IT’S HARD WORK COMING BACK…
The road of recovery from having a complete emotional and nervous
breakdown is a hard one to travel but if you stick at it, IF YOU WANT TO
BETTER truly knowing within yourself that your mentally healthy and
stable YOU CAN
Listen to those professionals around you, doctors and for me even the
nurses when I was in the hospital, all the professional avenues offered
to me then, upon leaving and afterwards, I took on board I opened
myself up to. I learnt, fought with trying to make sure I would store it
all away and be able to draw on it when needed, the medication was
played with for ages there and finally I felt like I was on the right
doses and well, able to function as a mother on it too as the
amounts/strengths they had me on in hospital, I could not realistically
function on.
With support from those around me and with finally being able to have
the knowledge of what I was experience, to share that with my family
those I shared my life with on a regular basis etc, I was able to start
“””LIVING””” again J
It has been two years since that happened I am now a full time stay
at home mother to my daughter MissK. Not that everyone can do this… But I
do now live MEDICATION FREE … Don’t get me wrong being able to do it
that way takes that little bit of extra work it probably wouldn’t if I
just took them, but being bought up with an alternative medicinal
lifestyle I knew it would always be the main goal to work towards. Not
only to be mentally happy but to live without the medication, without
the need.
Don’t get me wrong, there are still things I avoid in my life just so
I don’t get anxious, just so I don’t have to fight the anxiety and stop
it. I know I still have those things to battle to overcome and to be
able TO DO. In future blogs I will open up more individually on
Triggers, Fears, being irrational and rational and more.
95% of the time I can gain control of the anxiety or the panic and I
can rationalize it. Breathe and stay calm. I work hard and constant at
managing my stress and making sure I’m doing those things that relaxing
and calming. If I didn’t I would go backwards because I have and I know
that now. If I ever believed it I do even more so now KNOWLEDGE IS
POWER…
I/we are now taking the journey of trying for another baby, YES I am a
bit scared, not only of the whole premature angle but of course
naturally being prone to all this mental instability, and will I go
through this again?
My answer is NO because I am not afraid, because I have conquered so
many fears and because I have the knowledge within me to now recognise
what’s happening with/to me. I know and trust I will be able to see if
something starts going wrong and I know I can and will speak up and ask
for help, for I will never ever let it get that bad ever again.
I think it’s unfortunate sometimes we have to suffer so much to
learn, to get back on the road of life but I don’t have the power to
make it not happen, so I guess if it does remember two things
-Your only Human
And
- Do not cut of those close to you that love you, reach out,
embrace and believe they want to listen and love you because they truly
do
MrM MissK, Nan, Dad and frequent phone calls from my twin sister keep
me going, holding onto that tiny little bit of hope I had left and
their love helped it grow back to its full glory. I had spent years
hiding this away from my family, ashamed and now I will never look back,
I will always be OK with being able to talk to someone anyone, about
how I’m feeling J
Next time … Friday the 16
th sept 2011 I went to the
Australian Dance festival, to watch Australia’s best dance crew
competition and I am going to share some stuff on that. Some words on my
love for dance and an insight to one of my FEARS … stay tuned
My peace and a calm soul be yours – http://www.blogdirectory.net
